I attended primary school in Lagos, Nigeria. On a typical school day, before classes began, the entire school would gather at what we used to call Assembly. There the school would meet for prayer, admonition and other general instructions from the authorities.
We would sing songs, particularly the matching song which we would take to dismiss from the Assembly to our classrooms, singing and matching in rows as we dispersed. Many of these songs had value-shaping lyrics, of which one of them went thus:
Wherever you go,
Wherever you be,
Do not say yes,
When you mean to say no.
I think it was from the lyrics of a song of a musician I do not readily recollect. Anyway, we sang the song repeating it again and again until we all entered our classrooms.
One of the simplest, yet most powerful words in life, is the word no. It often amazes me when I see toddlers learn to use it. It comes sharply and unequivocally… No! It is usually one of the first single-syllable words in their vocabulary. We must encourage and teach our children that it is essential to say no when necessary and to respect those who say no to them.
As we go through the journey of life, saying no to demands placed upon us is as important as saying yes. You can endanger your life, through undue stress, if you are incapable or reluctant to say no when necessary.
If one is unable to say no when undoable demands are placed upon one’s life, time, resources and values it could be a sign of immaturity or spinelessness. That is, it may betray a lack of strong character or an irresolute disposition in the issues of life.
You must set boundaries or limits in your life that others, and even you, may not cross, to maintain personal sanity, a less stressful and guilt-ridden life. Love yourself enough to set boundaries for yourself and others.
You must learn to say no to any demand that will violate your person, your individuality, your humanity, your values and priorities, your goals and purpose in life and most importantly your relationship with God.
This last point, your relationship with God, transcends all other reasons, because our relationship with God, the principles and priorities that He has set are what place our lives on the right course. God’s word must be the foundation for everything else.
Learn to say no to manipulators whether they are in the home place, the workplace, in the pulpit or the pew or are peers. Learn to say no, even to loved ones without feeling guilty. This is often difficult even though it is necessary, but you must learn to say no with grace.
Let every word you speak be drenched with grace and tempered with truth and clarity.
As you learn to give a no to others with grace, people learn how to treat you on your terms, because you make what you will or will not accept very clear to them. Clarity is essential. Do not lead a person to feel that you could likely say yes some other time if you know you mean to say no.
You must also learn to receive a no with even greater grace. The inability to accept a no graciously can be a betrayal of any or all of the following: pride, ignorance, immaturity, selfishness or foolishness. Having one of these in your life is bad enough, but having all is a definite path to destruction.
How do you say no? It is not enough to say no, you must learn to say it graciously or kindly: politely and firmly. To be firm means that you are neither defensive nor apologetic, instead, you send a clear message that though you sympathise with the person, you will not change your mind about the demand even if you are under pressure. I am sorry, I cannot do that.
Also, have it in mind that you do not owe anyone an explanation. However, some relationships could require we explain ourselves even though we still stand our ground, that we will do what is right. In reality, it is not about them, but about what is right.
Generally, if you are pressured by anyone to capitulate, a polite I am sorry- It does not fit my schedule; It is contrary to my values; Sadly, I cannot afford it, should be enough. Whatever their response or reaction might be, is not your responsibility.
Do not take responsibility for the actions of others you cannot control. Do not feel guilty.
Joseph gave a similar answer when he was pressured by Mrs Potipher to have a fling with her. Joseph had set boundaries in his life that he would not violate on account of demands anyone places upon him, even though he was a slave.
Joseph was a strikingly handsome man. As time went on, his master’s wife became infatuated with Joseph and one day said, “Sleep with me.” He wouldn’t do it. He said to his master’s wife, “Look, with me here, my master doesn’t give a second thought to anything that goes on here- he’s put me in charge of everything he owns. He treats me as an equal. The only thing he hasn’t turned over to me is you. You’re his wife, after all! How could I violate his trust and sin against God?” She pestered him day after day after day, but he stood his ground. He refused to go to bed with her.
Saying no, even for the right reason, can have undesirable outcomes: the loss of a relationship, the loss of a job and in some cases it has led to the ultimate sacrifice. Even then, you do not have to capitulate.
I have the firm belief that there are things in life that are more important than life itself. Saying no will always pay off for your well-being in the long run despite possible short term setbacks if they occur.
Learn to say no to yourself
When you have learned that,
It will be easier to say no to others
Say no to manipulators
Say no to emotional blackmail
Say no to family and friends who want to lead you in pathways you cannot go
Say no to violators of your person and individuality
Say no, if you do not have the time
Say no if you do not have the resources
Say no as politely as you can
Say no by offering a doable yes
Say no to sin or anything that would make you violate your conscience
When you learn to say no to what is wrong and what you will not do,
You free yourself to say yes to what is right and what you can do
Learning to say no may make you enemies, but it will mark out your true friends
Learning to say no will help you build self-esteem and respect from both friends and foes.
Solomon, what is a doable yes? For example, if someone asks you for ten thousand naira, you could say I am sorry I can not do that, but I can support you with two thousand naira.
A friend may ask you out to an event you never want your feet to take you to. You could reply, Could we go to a football event instead? Here, you say no to the demand without making him feel rejection, but at the same time, you do not violate your principles or give promises you cannot fulfil.
For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope and the appearing of our great God and Saviour, Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.
Friend, your spiritual, mental and emotional well-being are essential. Learning to say no to yourself and others will go a long way to improving and sustaining that well-being, and making progress towards a meaningful, purposeful and fruitful life.
Thank you. Do not forget to keep living, loving and learning.
References: Colossians 4:6, TPT; Genesis 39:6-10, THE MESSAGE; Titus 2:11-12, NIV.
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